022 - gan-grape

1:19 PM me: www.heartattackgrill.com

1:20 PM Charley: yeah

1:21 PM I have seen them before

i want one

but i want to get over 350 pounds first so I eat for free

or die

1:22 PM me: eat free or die.

Charley: always

that's my new slogan

me: how about

eat free AND die

1:23 PM Charley: we all die sometime

might as well be with 20 pounds of beef in your colon.

me: unless youre in prison.

Charley: gangrape

1:24 PM me: sounds like a flavor of soda.

Charley: yes, it combines the deliciousness of gangrene with grape soda

and smells like almonds

1:25 PM me: and when you drink it a bunch of huge men pop out of the closet and fuck you bloody.

Charley: sign me up for a case

1:26 PM i'm going to give it to my exwife

1:27 PM me: she might want a 12 pack of orange crush also. for afterwards. to douche with.

021 - preservation

9:34 AM me: i like to save my boogers in scotch tape.

to preserve them.

Charley: haha

nice

9:36 AM me: i like to think that one day, millions of years from now, whatever species that has taken over the planet will find my adhesive encased snot and create an entire amusement park of duvall phlegm spawn for people to gawk at.

it's my plan for immortality.

patent pending.

9:38 AM Charley: word

I jerk off into trees

me: oh nice.

Charley: hoping the sap will preserve my seed

me: that's a good plan.

now you have to hope that some woman is period-ing on a tree also.

to preserve her seed.

9:39 AM Charley: I'm glad we think alike

I was going to say that
but then I thought it might be going too farme: or maybe they will just splice your dna with an african toad that can change sexes on demand, thereby creating an amphibious asexually reproducing charley beast.

9:40 AM Charley: aka slimedicktoad

me: you can never go too far when it comes to your immortality plan.

it's like writing your will and testament. for infinity.

SLIMEDICKTOAD!

and PHLEGMDUVALL

9:41 AM it would be one hell of a park.

the beer and food costs for the creatures alone would be astronomical though.

9:42 AM that would be their contingency plan... beer would be a vitamin essential for our survival.

jesus. why didnt michael crichton think of this.

Charley: haha

indeed

020 - scabbies

12:22 PM me: my shin scab just fell off

it looks like beef jerky.

i want to taste it.

Marie: ewww

don't!!!

12:24 PM me: just a lick?

Marie: nooooo

me: can i sniff it?

i shall sniff it.

oh no.

i sniffed too hard.

12:25 PM Marie: nooooooo

me: ugh.

Marie: is it in your nose?!

me: no.

i sniffed real hard.

Marie: ...

me: its in the back of my throat.

trying to cough it up...

it does not taste like beed jerky.

12:26 PM Marie: ewwwwww

justin!!

me: please remind me of this next time.

12:27 PM Marie: hahah why did you want to smell it?!