016-tat

3:26 PM me: tattoo idea:

3:27 PM in big old english letters

"anyone who doesnt want to do what i want to do is deemed a fool in mine eyes"

across my shoulder blades

with a fuckin tiger

riding an eagle

3:28 PM

michael: woah.

i came

me: the eagle is playing a guitarmade of zombies

eating babies

that are sucking tits

of valkyries

with medusa hair.

3:29 PM and each snake has a middle finger for a tongue.

and the knuckles say HATE

...yeah.

i too came.

michael: christ did jesus start fuckin gchatting me, cus no mortal human could fuckin come up with that shit

3:30 PM me: tis no deity.

tis i.

015 - gak

2:36 PM me: jesus christ why are testicles so hard to scratch??

fuck

i almost just went insane.

i had to pinch and pull to alleviate the itch.

Charley: pants get in the way

the pinch is the best method
yes, the "pinch and roll" is the method I use me: even if i were naked...
its just... theyre so malleable

2:37 PM its like scratching Gak

014 - payroll guy

4:35 PM

me: this guys curl fro kills me

michael: hell yeah man dude....touch it

me: awww noway! ill catch curl disease 

michael: dude. no you wont. you will get super powers

me: ill turn into gene wilder!

michael: hahahaah hell yeah hes like a movie star

me: how'd he get his pubes up there man? seriously. i wish he wasnt standing next to me.

michael: why? i bet he smells neato dude is a copy machine pimp me: i fear his head pubes might fall into my glass of water

michael: hahahahaha.

me: why does he always wear beige? its the same color as his curl fro. and his skin. he's like a walking beige swatch.

michael: his nickname is "the beige"

me: the beige. i like it.

michael: yeah. the beige ooo here he comes, the beige watch out! hes fuckin mono tone ooo is he naked no hes the beige the fuckin beige looks like a inverted penis the beige boom bip bam what color are his shoes?

4:44 PM

me: tan. i mean beige

013

4:40 PM me: http://fantasyartdesign.com/free-wallpapers/imgs/new/483d-ghost-ship-poster.jpg

4:42 PM that shit makes my pirate dick hard.

4:44 PM michael: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

4:45 PM ice pirates

sail ye icey seas

arrrr

bad ass

a wolf should be at the helm

4:46 PM me: yes.

a half woman half wolf beast tempist

with big fake tits.

4:47 PM michael: ooooh yeah. temptist of the sea....temptist of ye loin

4:48 PM me: me loins

michael: just nix the ship and make it a big titted naked woman floating on her back, make that moon a sun with a sunset fade....add a dolphin and man....i can smell the money now

me: yarrr

thats not money ye smell...

4:49 PM i just came a little when you described that design.

012

Mike: so this is my last few hours here

sucks

me: zang.

3:40 PM are you being blown?

Mike: uhhm...not currently

she's at work

me: zang.

me: are you wanking it?

Mike: soon

after packing

me: you should wank into your luggage

for customs.

those fuckers.

3:41 PM Mike: dont think theres room for the seem

me: soon theyre going to start checking your balls for more than three ounces of seem

3:42 PM and if you have too much, you have to go to the mandatory whacking room.

and there will be sexy homeland security agents.

waiting to stick a thumb up your butt and give the ol' reach around.

Mike: 3 oz tho?

me: think about how happy everyone would be to go through airport security.

3:43 PM yah... 3 oz is a lot.

Mike: that's like a quarter can of coke

3:54 PM Mike: i cant believe i couldnt figure out how to spank it until i was 12

i wasted like 20% of my life

011

11:39 AM me: ever think about selling your sperm?

11:40 AM Charley: no

to who?

me: like on the street.

nickle bags of spunk.

11:41 AM Charley: hmmm, never thought of that

what kind of market do you think you would have?

me: illegal immigrants that need to get knocked up?

Charley: Lesbians trying to have a baby? so there are 2 possibilites. you could do sperm in a turkey baster

11:42 AM

me: and charge per pump

Charley: yes

per pump would be good

me: carry an alcohol wipe, to wipe of the injector after each use.

you know, to stay sanitary and avoid lawsuits

11:43 AM Charley: yes
one pump of a turkey baster is a lot of semen

me: a quarter pump would suffice.

50 bucks for a quarter pump.

90 for a half.

11:44 AM 150 for two half-pumps or 4 quarter-pumps

me: the family deal

Charley: oh

for more than one person

me: right.

11:45 AM knock up a whole family. why not?

Charley: i still dont see a whole lot of money in this

as there is always some guy willing to stick his dick in even the ugliest woman

11:46 AM and they could probably get it for free

me: fuck.

youre right.

but this is good, upper-middle class seem

Charley: hmmm

well

me: at least worth 5 bucks a quarter

Charley: you would need to market it as such

11:47 AM iq test results

show off the artistic talent

put a face and mind to the seed

11:48 AM me: fuck it.

too much work.

i just wanted to jerk off in a turkey baster.

010

9:07 AM me: shade grown organic costa rican coffee makes for happy time.

9:08 AM Charley: My balls are shade grown and organic too.

9:09 AM me: yet somehow they are tan.

9:11 AM Charley: that's just tan charley being tan charley

009 - Magic Band

3:02 PMme: i feel like my balls got punched in the face

3:03 PM Charley: the singers balls were, that's why he sings like that

me: he sucks off wizards while he sits on unicorns heads

008

8:23 AM Charley: fuck work up it's stupid ass

8 minutes

8:31 AM me: o yeah.

41 minutes

9:13 AM Charley: now pull it's hair and call it scum

me: then donkey punch the whore

Charley: yes

me: and give it a jelly doughnut

Charley: ?

9:14 AM what is that?

me: nut on it's face and then punch it in the nose.

Charley: ha

i call that cuddling

007

me: haha

dude.

word of advice.

5:35 PM do not hock up a loogie while peeing.

i almost shat myself.

there's some strange biology, that i dont fully understand, about your butthole and peeing.

5:36 PM michael: im still afraid that if i spit in a toilet various gutter-waterborn diseases will travel up my spit line before it retracts into my mouth. therefor giving me some swine, chicken flu

5:37 PM me: thats a legitimate fear.

5:39 PM it would suck if i shat myself AND contracted swine flu at the same time.

wait... i dont think we get our toilet water from the gutter.

we should be ok.

006

4:30 PM me: my fan has been on since yesterday

4:31 PM michael: what fan?

me: the one i brought in yesterday and placed under my desk.

cooling my balls as i work.

4:32 PM michael: got ya.

005

1:28 PM me: kayaks with gun turrets for days son.
Charley: fuck yes!I want to mount a turret on my kayak

1:29 PM but I want it to shoot pussy juice

so all my enemies smell like pussy

1:31 PM me: you could have two turrets, one on the front and the back.

1:32 PM one can be filled with lube.

to shoot at actual pussies.

to get them wet.

then those wet pussies could fill the other turret.

with pussy juice.

1:36 PM Charley: nice

I like your take on pussy guns

me: its just plain practical.

im thinking green for obama.

1:37 PM Charley: there would need to be some sort of vacuum attachment on the "wet" gun

me: truth.

Charley: or maybe old school. stick a hose in and siphon

me: ill ask my nurse friends about stealing a catheter system.

1:39 PM so we need two supersoakers, an arc welder, a nympho, and a fuckton of astroglide.

and the catheter thing.

1:40 PM Charley: yes

and a meth lab

just for fun

me: well, im sure the PJ provider would be all fucked up on coke or meth or somethin.

1:41 PM Charley: oh, I think I found the perfect girl monday night at fantasies

but she might be more into heroin

me: we would also need to hook her up to an I.V. she would need to stay hydrated with all of that pussy juice conjuring.

heroin is expensive.

1:42 PM i like the meth lab idea... more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy.

Charley: yes

we can keep overhead down that way

this is a business after all

me: who says you cant mix business with pleasure?

1:43 PM assholes. thats who.

1:45 PM it would be nice if the meth head pussy juice creator could also shoot ping pong balls out of her chotch.

Charley: yes

1:46 PM i'll put an ad on craigslist

me: we are business geniuses.

1:47 PM wait... is that right?

can you pluralize genius like that?

or is it like octopus.

we are genia.

genii.

1:48 PM there it is.

Charley: genius2

me: 2.0

1:49 PM fuck it. im getting tired.

let me know when meth whore contacts you on craigslist.

1:51 PM dont forget about the ping pong balls.

004

5:23 PM michael: jesus is lord and is love in turn i love him

me: by proxy you love love

michael: wow. neato

5:24 PM me: and by proxy's proxy, youre gay. michael: damn. i knew i was, but you made it true.

003

5:23 PM michael: got ya. i just figured out that the heathers sing in both english and gaelic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xTxwpPy-Lc&feature=related

never noticed

5:24 PM me: i would let them lick my gae

gae=dick.

michael: hahahahaha

gay?

5:25 PM me: pssshhh, not this stud.

i fuck CHICKS dude.

and party.

i fucking party with chicks with tits.

5:26 PM michael: dude get the fuck out here...and if you do get the fuck outta here can i go to the party with the tits with you. in seperate cars so people dont think we do not like tits.

me: i do keg stands to bring my virility to their attention. cuz sometimes you have to do cool stuff to get chicks ya know?

5:27 PM of course bro.

two dudes in one car is gay as fucking shit.

i like tits dude.

im no gay.

5:28 PM michael: oh i know man. like one time i beat up a gay guy, or at least i think he was gay cus he looked at my ass, but i beat him up , skinned his headd ate his gay brains out then filled it with miller light then drank it. but bro its cool i got tested afterwards for the gay aids...but i guess the cruc amount of alcohol i consumed killed the gay aids. (hi fives)

so i know where you coming from

5:30 PM me: that is fucking hella clutch bro.

hella clutch.

youre a cool dude bro-ski

i mean that in the totally non-gay way.

tits and fuckin chicks and college and keggers brah.

5:31 PM jerking off in a circle onto a cookie with three other dudes and then the last one to cum eats the cookie, know what im sayin?

frats rock.

5:32 PM michael: dude while i was totally in my 6th year of college brah, me and another total bro invented a fuckin keg man, that fuckin had 9 tits all around it...each one gave us beer man, so at night man we'd fuckin drink miller light off fuck tits brah, it was tits. dude and circle jerks fuckin rock...we used popsicles though

5:34 PM me: tit kegs, fuck tits, lifting weights, fucking chicks with large tits, creatine and muscle mass, sandals and frisbee, fucking boh'sers and bro'sers bro!

5:35 PM FUCK I AM READY TO PARTY UP!!

im kicking this fucking shit into overdrive brahsterino!

5:36 PM michael: dude i done kicked it. what you can not see over here is that i have a fucking direct line of coors light fed directly into my ass, and 6 big titted bitches under the desk given me the biggest head ever...while listenin to fuckin coldplay bra

me: bras fucking suck brah. i like when a chicks tits are fake so they dont need a bra, know what im sayin brah? fake tits are so fuckin tits. they are tits as dick.

5:37 PM oh shit dude! coldplay! you are a stone cold party hound!

aaa-whooooo!

owwww!

5:38 PM michael: brah you know it, im actually going to get one of my broetes to get fuckin insulated fake tits so i can store a fuckin sixer of fuckin natty in them man. so it will be like the best of both worlds...tits and beer or beer and titts...fuck i m not a gay...i just dont know which is more man. shit.

COLDPLAY

man and...and fuckin LAX

5:39 PM dreams man

me: you are a fucking visionary bro!

5:40 PM damn. youre like einsteen and that one guy that invented outer space.

michael: im a fuck pussinary man

and dude that guy who invented space is fuckin stone cold bro

for real

me: fuck yea brah

you know he listened to the dead.

like daily bro.

5:44 PM me: well, its almost time to hop into my jeep (i left the doors at home!) and blast dave matthews on my way to my bach-pad aka my big titted chick fucking lair where i'm gonna throw off my shirt and tie, put on an old stinky gym shirt and my visor, crack open a miller lite, open all my windows, blast some OAR and watch some fucking sports center.

and play cornhole outside on my sidewalk.

tits yea!

michael: fuck yeah TITS!

5:50 PM whom ever hates tits...id...id seriously venture to say they were probably gay....and probably did not like stout

5:51 PM me: you said whom.

you must be a gay.

michael: fuck!

TITS TITS TITS STOUT

STOUT

TRUCK NUTS

NUTS

5:52 PM me: welcome back broseph.

you had me worried for a sec bro.

michael: i cant not beleive we just spent 30 minutes or so doing that

me: i know man

michael: thats an episode

me: i actually feel kind of bad.

we just wrote the stupidest sitcom ever

5:53 PM michael: hahahahahah yep

me: ok... im outskies dewd.

peace.

wait youre sitting right next to me.

fucking internet.

002

9:14 AM me: fucktots.

new word.

6 minutes

9:20 AM Charley: i will use it til it catches on

then denounce it

18 minutes

9:39 AM me: dont forget about the frundle either.

9:41 AM Charley: yes

frundle

fucktot frundle

will be the name of my first daughter

9:43 AM me: it really rolls off the tongue.

9:44 AM my first child, be she a daughter, shall be dubbed 'Swashbuckling Thundercunt'

Charley: awesome

me: they can have play dates.

9:45 AM and we can drink beer and throw the empties at them.

like my dad used to do.

Charley: yes

me: but i think there are laws now regarding the beating of your children with a fishing rod.

9:46 AM sadly, that is one tradition i wont be able to pass on.

Charley: *disclaimer: No

me: your disclaimer comment confuses me.

9:47 AM Charley: *disclaimer: shut the fuck up

before I beat you with a fishing rod

me: that is more clear.

9:48 AM Charley: there are laws against beating kids

but not adults

me: oh sorry.

did i hit a sensitive spot?

Charley: i'll say it was sex play

haha

yeah

you know me

mr. sensitivity

9:49 AM me: mean bastard charley has a soft spot for little fucks.

little kids getting abused.

by drunken daddies.

whatever.

Charley: haha

me: the world needs strippers.

Charley: i agree

me: fuck you and your delicate feelings.

Charley: i was at the club monday

9:50 AM and there should be more strippers

me: when "Fucktot Frundle' comes home with bruises, dont be surprised.

001

11:23 AM Charley: http://www.iheartvector.com/

they have some good textures

both vector and photo

that are free

11:30 AM me: sweet.

11:31 AM thanks for the link!

Charley: fuck off

and die

me: i really should.

maybe after work.

it would suck to die here.

Charley: yes, finish work first

me: unless i took everyone with me.

11:32 AM Charley: YES

me: is that selfish?

Charley: no

me: ok good.

Charley: thats heroic

right?

heroes kill people

me: very true.

Charley: you will be greeted by 40 virgins

in heaven

but they will all be dudes

11:33 AM me: aww man.

tight hineys at least?

Charley: well, they are virgins

me: true.

they better douche.

Charley: let me know

send a message from the beyond

11:35 AM me: will do.

ill save half for you.

11:36 AM the blondes and red heads are yours.

Charley: fuck

11:37 AM I hate red heads

11:38 AM me: me too.

fuckin gingers.