023 - Lightning Heart Strike

me: http://justinduvall.com/images.LHS.jpg

1:09 PM Drew: was the assignment "use a lot of intense words and graphics to create something intense?

2:47 PM me: that design created itself drew.

2:48 PM Drew: haha

me: in fact.. it is rumored that this very design is "god" itself blasting the cosmos into existence.

Drew: "god" itself

ha love itme: it can neither be created nor destroyed

2:49 PM it has always been. and always will be.

Drew: wow. well, this is getting a little deep

me: if it had a dick, it would be a vagina.and it would fuck itself. Drew: dude.me: thereby dividing by zero.

destroying the fabric of existence as we know it.

2:50 PM Drew: infinity to the power of infinity... i get it

me: NO

you dont.

this is no ordinary illustration drew

2:51 PM this illustration knows what a fucking atom looks like.

this illustration exists in 5-D yet we can only accept it in 2-D for our feeble minds are ill-equipped.Drew: is the lightning cutting the heart?

hahah

2:52 PM me: yes. the lightning is poking a hole into the heart.

Drew: okay.

022 - gan-grape

1:19 PM me: www.heartattackgrill.com

1:20 PM Charley: yeah

1:21 PM I have seen them before

i want one

but i want to get over 350 pounds first so I eat for free

or die

1:22 PM me: eat free or die.

Charley: always

that's my new slogan

me: how about

eat free AND die

1:23 PM Charley: we all die sometime

might as well be with 20 pounds of beef in your colon.

me: unless youre in prison.

Charley: gangrape

1:24 PM me: sounds like a flavor of soda.

Charley: yes, it combines the deliciousness of gangrene with grape soda

and smells like almonds

1:25 PM me: and when you drink it a bunch of huge men pop out of the closet and fuck you bloody.

Charley: sign me up for a case

1:26 PM i'm going to give it to my exwife

1:27 PM me: she might want a 12 pack of orange crush also. for afterwards. to douche with.

021 - preservation

9:34 AM me: i like to save my boogers in scotch tape.

to preserve them.

Charley: haha

nice

9:36 AM me: i like to think that one day, millions of years from now, whatever species that has taken over the planet will find my adhesive encased snot and create an entire amusement park of duvall phlegm spawn for people to gawk at.

it's my plan for immortality.

patent pending.

9:38 AM Charley: word

I jerk off into trees

me: oh nice.

Charley: hoping the sap will preserve my seed

me: that's a good plan.

now you have to hope that some woman is period-ing on a tree also.

to preserve her seed.

9:39 AM Charley: I'm glad we think alike

I was going to say that
but then I thought it might be going too farme: or maybe they will just splice your dna with an african toad that can change sexes on demand, thereby creating an amphibious asexually reproducing charley beast.

9:40 AM Charley: aka slimedicktoad

me: you can never go too far when it comes to your immortality plan.

it's like writing your will and testament. for infinity.

SLIMEDICKTOAD!

and PHLEGMDUVALL

9:41 AM it would be one hell of a park.

the beer and food costs for the creatures alone would be astronomical though.

9:42 AM that would be their contingency plan... beer would be a vitamin essential for our survival.

jesus. why didnt michael crichton think of this.

Charley: haha

indeed

020 - scabbies

12:22 PM me: my shin scab just fell off

it looks like beef jerky.

i want to taste it.

Marie: ewww

don't!!!

12:24 PM me: just a lick?

Marie: nooooo

me: can i sniff it?

i shall sniff it.

oh no.

i sniffed too hard.

12:25 PM Marie: nooooooo

me: ugh.

Marie: is it in your nose?!

me: no.

i sniffed real hard.

Marie: ...

me: its in the back of my throat.

trying to cough it up...

it does not taste like beed jerky.

12:26 PM Marie: ewwwwww

justin!!

me: please remind me of this next time.

12:27 PM Marie: hahah why did you want to smell it?!

019 - royal jelly

11:45 AM me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_jelly

shit is crazy

11:46 AM michael: damn thats wild

11:47 AM me: yeah

it transforms normal bees into queens

michael: so if you eat it you will get tits and wings

11:49 AM me: tits yes.

and a big ass dick stinger.

michael: HELL YEAH

me: and a fuck load of buzzing minions to do your bidding.

michael: dude sign me up

11:50 AM me: i think they have it at whole foods.

in the mutant goods section.

shit. i suddenly have stomach cramps.

11:51 AM maybe there was royal jelly in that honey i ate just now.

and now i'm getting menstrual cramps?

the tranformation has begun!

michael: hahahahha nice

well i mean...thats cool

11:52 AM i support your choice to be come a bee

me: thanks. it is my choice after all. michael: or to BEE come a BEEme: i hope i get wings instead of titsmichael: you will get tits

me: PUN!

you best BEE lieve it!

michael: BEEhave your self

this is pretty dumb

11:53 AM me: no matter.

i'm pretty sure it's just diarrhea.

wait...

yep.

gotta shit.

michael: HAHAHAH

me: damn it.

018 - shit talk

9:25 AM Charley: http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4063/4389204217_8f80f87196_o.jpg

9:26 AM me: shitty week?

9:27 AM Charley: same shit, different day

me: ohhh nice

9:28 AM on a poop kick eh?

Charley: yes

9:29 AM I am doing a "Shitty Sayings Series"

me: niiiice

i like it.

9:30 AM Charley: inspired by that tim lanham guy

me: eat shit and die

Charley: or whatever his name is

me: shit canned

Charley: that did the ninja turdles

me: shit storm

yeah i remember him

Charley: Shit out of luck

no shit, sherlock

9:31 AM me: shit happens

shit in one hand, wish in the other

Charley: never heard that one

me: really?
9:32 AM

its a popular one

or, POOPular i should say

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAshit

Charley: up shit creek

9:33 AM me: without a paddle

9:34 AM Charley: when the shit hits the fan

me: good one

9:35 AM Charley: a bird in the hand is worth two in the shit

me: two shits with one shit

9:36 AM Charley: don't shit on my leg and tell me it's a mudlside

me: when in shit

Charley: stop blowing shit up my ass

me: people who live in glass houses souldnt throw shit

9:37 AM Charley: HAHAHAHA

true

Shit is thicker than water

me: niiiiice

Charley: caught between a rock and a hard shit

9:38 AM me: never look a shit horse in the asshole

Charley: It's like comparing apples to shit

me: you say tomatoe, i say shit

9:39 AM Charley: Don't put all your shit in one basket

me: dont count your turds before theyre shit

9:40 AM

Charley: talk softly and carry a big shit

me: shit one way, hlf dozen the other

9:41 AM

it's like shitting in the wind

9:42 AM Charley: If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it shits

me: a shitty home is a happy home

god made shit, and shit dont hurt

you dont know your shit from your elbow

9:43 AM god bless this shit

shit the chef

Charley: no use beating a dead shit

me: kiss me i'm shit

9:44 AM Charley: a rose by any other name would smell like shit

me: hahaha

shitspeare

Charley: romeo and julieshit

9:45 AM when life gives you lemons, take a shit

9:46 AM me: cant teach an old dog new shit

birds of a feather shit together

Charley: haha

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him shit

9:47 AM unless you give it an enema

9:48 AM me: like two shits in a pod

the shit is mightier than the sword

9:49 AM Charley: well, it was nice shooting the shit with you. I have shit to do though.

me: beauty is only shit deep

Charley: stop talking shit!

9:50 AM me: no shit off my sack.

Charley: haha

I love this whole converstaion

me: im running out of shit to say.

017 - wop wars

2:32 PM franco: im literally getting angry with him

2:33 PM i want to punch him in the fucking face

break some teeth

motherfucker

hey oh!

goomba!

me: ayyyy!!!

easy ova dere

franco: cabagul

2:34 PM me: with the punchin of da face

franco: fuckin....hey

oh!

me: wit da teef breakin oh!

you ova dere

franco: fuckin fat fuck

tommy, get ova here!

me: wit ya shirt that ya wear!

franco: you fuckin funny guy

pasta fazzul, oh!

2:35 PM me: hey copernicus! navigate your butt to da back a da line wit ya shirt, an stand dere wit ya shoes!

oh!

fuckin joe biscotti ova here

franco: cummere, ayy, bring dose purple eminems

me: we just had a wop-off

2:36 PM

now im hungry.

franco: jesus what the fuck was that?

me: i need a fuckin proshute sand-a-widge ova here

franco: ayyy!

fuckin mozzarella

2:37 PM me: i need ta wash muh dick ova here

smells like rotten provolone

franco: bring da vino...don faget

that looks like the name of the new gay don

me: sucksa da cocka

2:38 PM franco: ahahahhahaha

holy shit 2:39 PM god, i need some italian food now

some broads

a gold chain

and a track suit