024 - Trash Coffee

3:23 PM Charley: what?

trash coffee?

me: my cof

yes.

Charley: haha

me: i dont even want it anymore.

3:24 PM me: getting up and walking around woke me up.

Charley: just let it cool down then chug it

Charley: do a back flip

that always wakes me up

3:26 PM me: do a shut the fuck up

that always shuts you the fuck up

023 - Lightning Heart Strike

me: http://justinduvall.com/images.LHS.jpg

1:09 PM Drew: was the assignment "use a lot of intense words and graphics to create something intense?

2:47 PM me: that design created itself drew.

2:48 PM Drew: haha

me: in fact.. it is rumored that this very design is "god" itself blasting the cosmos into existence.

Drew: "god" itself

ha love itme: it can neither be created nor destroyed

2:49 PM it has always been. and always will be.

Drew: wow. well, this is getting a little deep

me: if it had a dick, it would be a vagina.and it would fuck itself. Drew: dude.me: thereby dividing by zero.

destroying the fabric of existence as we know it.

2:50 PM Drew: infinity to the power of infinity... i get it

me: NO

you dont.

this is no ordinary illustration drew

2:51 PM this illustration knows what a fucking atom looks like.

this illustration exists in 5-D yet we can only accept it in 2-D for our feeble minds are ill-equipped.Drew: is the lightning cutting the heart?

hahah

2:52 PM me: yes. the lightning is poking a hole into the heart.

Drew: okay.

022 - gan-grape

1:19 PM me: www.heartattackgrill.com

1:20 PM Charley: yeah

1:21 PM I have seen them before

i want one

but i want to get over 350 pounds first so I eat for free

or die

1:22 PM me: eat free or die.

Charley: always

that's my new slogan

me: how about

eat free AND die

1:23 PM Charley: we all die sometime

might as well be with 20 pounds of beef in your colon.

me: unless youre in prison.

Charley: gangrape

1:24 PM me: sounds like a flavor of soda.

Charley: yes, it combines the deliciousness of gangrene with grape soda

and smells like almonds

1:25 PM me: and when you drink it a bunch of huge men pop out of the closet and fuck you bloody.

Charley: sign me up for a case

1:26 PM i'm going to give it to my exwife

1:27 PM me: she might want a 12 pack of orange crush also. for afterwards. to douche with.

021 - preservation

9:34 AM me: i like to save my boogers in scotch tape.

to preserve them.

Charley: haha

nice

9:36 AM me: i like to think that one day, millions of years from now, whatever species that has taken over the planet will find my adhesive encased snot and create an entire amusement park of duvall phlegm spawn for people to gawk at.

it's my plan for immortality.

patent pending.

9:38 AM Charley: word

I jerk off into trees

me: oh nice.

Charley: hoping the sap will preserve my seed

me: that's a good plan.

now you have to hope that some woman is period-ing on a tree also.

to preserve her seed.

9:39 AM Charley: I'm glad we think alike

I was going to say that
but then I thought it might be going too farme: or maybe they will just splice your dna with an african toad that can change sexes on demand, thereby creating an amphibious asexually reproducing charley beast.

9:40 AM Charley: aka slimedicktoad

me: you can never go too far when it comes to your immortality plan.

it's like writing your will and testament. for infinity.

SLIMEDICKTOAD!

and PHLEGMDUVALL

9:41 AM it would be one hell of a park.

the beer and food costs for the creatures alone would be astronomical though.

9:42 AM that would be their contingency plan... beer would be a vitamin essential for our survival.

jesus. why didnt michael crichton think of this.

Charley: haha

indeed

020 - scabbies

12:22 PM me: my shin scab just fell off

it looks like beef jerky.

i want to taste it.

Marie: ewww

don't!!!

12:24 PM me: just a lick?

Marie: nooooo

me: can i sniff it?

i shall sniff it.

oh no.

i sniffed too hard.

12:25 PM Marie: nooooooo

me: ugh.

Marie: is it in your nose?!

me: no.

i sniffed real hard.

Marie: ...

me: its in the back of my throat.

trying to cough it up...

it does not taste like beed jerky.

12:26 PM Marie: ewwwwww

justin!!

me: please remind me of this next time.

12:27 PM Marie: hahah why did you want to smell it?!

019 - royal jelly

11:45 AM me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_jelly

shit is crazy

11:46 AM michael: damn thats wild

11:47 AM me: yeah

it transforms normal bees into queens

michael: so if you eat it you will get tits and wings

11:49 AM me: tits yes.

and a big ass dick stinger.

michael: HELL YEAH

me: and a fuck load of buzzing minions to do your bidding.

michael: dude sign me up

11:50 AM me: i think they have it at whole foods.

in the mutant goods section.

shit. i suddenly have stomach cramps.

11:51 AM maybe there was royal jelly in that honey i ate just now.

and now i'm getting menstrual cramps?

the tranformation has begun!

michael: hahahahha nice

well i mean...thats cool

11:52 AM i support your choice to be come a bee

me: thanks. it is my choice after all. michael: or to BEE come a BEEme: i hope i get wings instead of titsmichael: you will get tits

me: PUN!

you best BEE lieve it!

michael: BEEhave your self

this is pretty dumb

11:53 AM me: no matter.

i'm pretty sure it's just diarrhea.

wait...

yep.

gotta shit.

michael: HAHAHAH

me: damn it.

018 - shit talk

9:25 AM Charley: http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4063/4389204217_8f80f87196_o.jpg

9:26 AM me: shitty week?

9:27 AM Charley: same shit, different day

me: ohhh nice

9:28 AM on a poop kick eh?

Charley: yes

9:29 AM I am doing a "Shitty Sayings Series"

me: niiiice

i like it.

9:30 AM Charley: inspired by that tim lanham guy

me: eat shit and die

Charley: or whatever his name is

me: shit canned

Charley: that did the ninja turdles

me: shit storm

yeah i remember him

Charley: Shit out of luck

no shit, sherlock

9:31 AM me: shit happens

shit in one hand, wish in the other

Charley: never heard that one

me: really?
9:32 AM

its a popular one

or, POOPular i should say

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAshit

Charley: up shit creek

9:33 AM me: without a paddle

9:34 AM Charley: when the shit hits the fan

me: good one

9:35 AM Charley: a bird in the hand is worth two in the shit

me: two shits with one shit

9:36 AM Charley: don't shit on my leg and tell me it's a mudlside

me: when in shit

Charley: stop blowing shit up my ass

me: people who live in glass houses souldnt throw shit

9:37 AM Charley: HAHAHAHA

true

Shit is thicker than water

me: niiiiice

Charley: caught between a rock and a hard shit

9:38 AM me: never look a shit horse in the asshole

Charley: It's like comparing apples to shit

me: you say tomatoe, i say shit

9:39 AM Charley: Don't put all your shit in one basket

me: dont count your turds before theyre shit

9:40 AM

Charley: talk softly and carry a big shit

me: shit one way, hlf dozen the other

9:41 AM

it's like shitting in the wind

9:42 AM Charley: If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it shits

me: a shitty home is a happy home

god made shit, and shit dont hurt

you dont know your shit from your elbow

9:43 AM god bless this shit

shit the chef

Charley: no use beating a dead shit

me: kiss me i'm shit

9:44 AM Charley: a rose by any other name would smell like shit

me: hahaha

shitspeare

Charley: romeo and julieshit

9:45 AM when life gives you lemons, take a shit

9:46 AM me: cant teach an old dog new shit

birds of a feather shit together

Charley: haha

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him shit

9:47 AM unless you give it an enema

9:48 AM me: like two shits in a pod

the shit is mightier than the sword

9:49 AM Charley: well, it was nice shooting the shit with you. I have shit to do though.

me: beauty is only shit deep

Charley: stop talking shit!

9:50 AM me: no shit off my sack.

Charley: haha

I love this whole converstaion

me: im running out of shit to say.

017 - wop wars

2:32 PM franco: im literally getting angry with him

2:33 PM i want to punch him in the fucking face

break some teeth

motherfucker

hey oh!

goomba!

me: ayyyy!!!

easy ova dere

franco: cabagul

2:34 PM me: with the punchin of da face

franco: fuckin....hey

oh!

me: wit da teef breakin oh!

you ova dere

franco: fuckin fat fuck

tommy, get ova here!

me: wit ya shirt that ya wear!

franco: you fuckin funny guy

pasta fazzul, oh!

2:35 PM me: hey copernicus! navigate your butt to da back a da line wit ya shirt, an stand dere wit ya shoes!

oh!

fuckin joe biscotti ova here

franco: cummere, ayy, bring dose purple eminems

me: we just had a wop-off

2:36 PM

now im hungry.

franco: jesus what the fuck was that?

me: i need a fuckin proshute sand-a-widge ova here

franco: ayyy!

fuckin mozzarella

2:37 PM me: i need ta wash muh dick ova here

smells like rotten provolone

franco: bring da vino...don faget

that looks like the name of the new gay don

me: sucksa da cocka

2:38 PM franco: ahahahhahaha

holy shit 2:39 PM god, i need some italian food now

some broads

a gold chain

and a track suit

016-tat

3:26 PM me: tattoo idea:

3:27 PM in big old english letters

"anyone who doesnt want to do what i want to do is deemed a fool in mine eyes"

across my shoulder blades

with a fuckin tiger

riding an eagle

3:28 PM

michael: woah.

i came

me: the eagle is playing a guitarmade of zombies

eating babies

that are sucking tits

of valkyries

with medusa hair.

3:29 PM and each snake has a middle finger for a tongue.

and the knuckles say HATE

...yeah.

i too came.

michael: christ did jesus start fuckin gchatting me, cus no mortal human could fuckin come up with that shit

3:30 PM me: tis no deity.

tis i.

015 - gak

2:36 PM me: jesus christ why are testicles so hard to scratch??

fuck

i almost just went insane.

i had to pinch and pull to alleviate the itch.

Charley: pants get in the way

the pinch is the best method
yes, the "pinch and roll" is the method I use me: even if i were naked...
its just... theyre so malleable

2:37 PM its like scratching Gak

014 - payroll guy

4:35 PM

me: this guys curl fro kills me

michael: hell yeah man dude....touch it

me: awww noway! ill catch curl disease 

michael: dude. no you wont. you will get super powers

me: ill turn into gene wilder!

michael: hahahaah hell yeah hes like a movie star

me: how'd he get his pubes up there man? seriously. i wish he wasnt standing next to me.

michael: why? i bet he smells neato dude is a copy machine pimp me: i fear his head pubes might fall into my glass of water

michael: hahahahaha.

me: why does he always wear beige? its the same color as his curl fro. and his skin. he's like a walking beige swatch.

michael: his nickname is "the beige"

me: the beige. i like it.

michael: yeah. the beige ooo here he comes, the beige watch out! hes fuckin mono tone ooo is he naked no hes the beige the fuckin beige looks like a inverted penis the beige boom bip bam what color are his shoes?

4:44 PM

me: tan. i mean beige

013

4:40 PM me: http://fantasyartdesign.com/free-wallpapers/imgs/new/483d-ghost-ship-poster.jpg

4:42 PM that shit makes my pirate dick hard.

4:44 PM michael: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

4:45 PM ice pirates

sail ye icey seas

arrrr

bad ass

a wolf should be at the helm

4:46 PM me: yes.

a half woman half wolf beast tempist

with big fake tits.

4:47 PM michael: ooooh yeah. temptist of the sea....temptist of ye loin

4:48 PM me: me loins

michael: just nix the ship and make it a big titted naked woman floating on her back, make that moon a sun with a sunset fade....add a dolphin and man....i can smell the money now

me: yarrr

thats not money ye smell...

4:49 PM i just came a little when you described that design.

012

Mike: so this is my last few hours here

sucks

me: zang.

3:40 PM are you being blown?

Mike: uhhm...not currently

she's at work

me: zang.

me: are you wanking it?

Mike: soon

after packing

me: you should wank into your luggage

for customs.

those fuckers.

3:41 PM Mike: dont think theres room for the seem

me: soon theyre going to start checking your balls for more than three ounces of seem

3:42 PM and if you have too much, you have to go to the mandatory whacking room.

and there will be sexy homeland security agents.

waiting to stick a thumb up your butt and give the ol' reach around.

Mike: 3 oz tho?

me: think about how happy everyone would be to go through airport security.

3:43 PM yah... 3 oz is a lot.

Mike: that's like a quarter can of coke

3:54 PM Mike: i cant believe i couldnt figure out how to spank it until i was 12

i wasted like 20% of my life

011

11:39 AM me: ever think about selling your sperm?

11:40 AM Charley: no

to who?

me: like on the street.

nickle bags of spunk.

11:41 AM Charley: hmmm, never thought of that

what kind of market do you think you would have?

me: illegal immigrants that need to get knocked up?

Charley: Lesbians trying to have a baby? so there are 2 possibilites. you could do sperm in a turkey baster

11:42 AM

me: and charge per pump

Charley: yes

per pump would be good

me: carry an alcohol wipe, to wipe of the injector after each use.

you know, to stay sanitary and avoid lawsuits

11:43 AM Charley: yes
one pump of a turkey baster is a lot of semen

me: a quarter pump would suffice.

50 bucks for a quarter pump.

90 for a half.

11:44 AM 150 for two half-pumps or 4 quarter-pumps

me: the family deal

Charley: oh

for more than one person

me: right.

11:45 AM knock up a whole family. why not?

Charley: i still dont see a whole lot of money in this

as there is always some guy willing to stick his dick in even the ugliest woman

11:46 AM and they could probably get it for free

me: fuck.

youre right.

but this is good, upper-middle class seem

Charley: hmmm

well

me: at least worth 5 bucks a quarter

Charley: you would need to market it as such

11:47 AM iq test results

show off the artistic talent

put a face and mind to the seed

11:48 AM me: fuck it.

too much work.

i just wanted to jerk off in a turkey baster.

010

9:07 AM me: shade grown organic costa rican coffee makes for happy time.

9:08 AM Charley: My balls are shade grown and organic too.

9:09 AM me: yet somehow they are tan.

9:11 AM Charley: that's just tan charley being tan charley

009 - Magic Band

3:02 PMme: i feel like my balls got punched in the face

3:03 PM Charley: the singers balls were, that's why he sings like that

me: he sucks off wizards while he sits on unicorns heads

008

8:23 AM Charley: fuck work up it's stupid ass

8 minutes

8:31 AM me: o yeah.

41 minutes

9:13 AM Charley: now pull it's hair and call it scum

me: then donkey punch the whore

Charley: yes

me: and give it a jelly doughnut

Charley: ?

9:14 AM what is that?

me: nut on it's face and then punch it in the nose.

Charley: ha

i call that cuddling

007

me: haha

dude.

word of advice.

5:35 PM do not hock up a loogie while peeing.

i almost shat myself.

there's some strange biology, that i dont fully understand, about your butthole and peeing.

5:36 PM michael: im still afraid that if i spit in a toilet various gutter-waterborn diseases will travel up my spit line before it retracts into my mouth. therefor giving me some swine, chicken flu

5:37 PM me: thats a legitimate fear.

5:39 PM it would suck if i shat myself AND contracted swine flu at the same time.

wait... i dont think we get our toilet water from the gutter.

we should be ok.

006

4:30 PM me: my fan has been on since yesterday

4:31 PM michael: what fan?

me: the one i brought in yesterday and placed under my desk.

cooling my balls as i work.

4:32 PM michael: got ya.

005

1:28 PM me: kayaks with gun turrets for days son.
Charley: fuck yes!I want to mount a turret on my kayak

1:29 PM but I want it to shoot pussy juice

so all my enemies smell like pussy

1:31 PM me: you could have two turrets, one on the front and the back.

1:32 PM one can be filled with lube.

to shoot at actual pussies.

to get them wet.

then those wet pussies could fill the other turret.

with pussy juice.

1:36 PM Charley: nice

I like your take on pussy guns

me: its just plain practical.

im thinking green for obama.

1:37 PM Charley: there would need to be some sort of vacuum attachment on the "wet" gun

me: truth.

Charley: or maybe old school. stick a hose in and siphon

me: ill ask my nurse friends about stealing a catheter system.

1:39 PM so we need two supersoakers, an arc welder, a nympho, and a fuckton of astroglide.

and the catheter thing.

1:40 PM Charley: yes

and a meth lab

just for fun

me: well, im sure the PJ provider would be all fucked up on coke or meth or somethin.

1:41 PM Charley: oh, I think I found the perfect girl monday night at fantasies

but she might be more into heroin

me: we would also need to hook her up to an I.V. she would need to stay hydrated with all of that pussy juice conjuring.

heroin is expensive.

1:42 PM i like the meth lab idea... more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy.

Charley: yes

we can keep overhead down that way

this is a business after all

me: who says you cant mix business with pleasure?

1:43 PM assholes. thats who.

1:45 PM it would be nice if the meth head pussy juice creator could also shoot ping pong balls out of her chotch.

Charley: yes

1:46 PM i'll put an ad on craigslist

me: we are business geniuses.

1:47 PM wait... is that right?

can you pluralize genius like that?

or is it like octopus.

we are genia.

genii.

1:48 PM there it is.

Charley: genius2

me: 2.0

1:49 PM fuck it. im getting tired.

let me know when meth whore contacts you on craigslist.

1:51 PM dont forget about the ping pong balls.